Very content!

It has been over a year since I last posted. Wow. I can say that the job I had during the last post was a tough one. A very stressful-for-all-employees type situation. I could not actively seek volunteers due to the mess the organization was in. Now it has been altered in positive ways and one aspect of the program has blossomed under different management and a different overhead agency as it's home. I loved, was challenged deeply by, and grew quite a bit from the job I had after this. I am now in a job in a university that is becoming more and more fulfilling! I know that I can use the experiences at the various agencies I've worked to make me more effective at all I do now and the future.

I have found a delightful creative outlet in photography. It can help clear my head and often brings me joy. It balances my energy at times too. I got into photography so much that I forgot the camera I was using was also a video camera. I must say, I am impressed with the capabilities of my Canon Optura 50 camcorder/camera. The colors are so vibrant and I love the ability to do macro photography with it. The downfall? Only 2 megapixels. Now I have to save up lots of money (challenging for me to do!) to buy a true macro lense for my 10 megapixel camera so I can have cool shots and get them printed big without losing quality. I have had my photos displayed for ArtWalk downtown. I have to change out my photos for the next one. Just wish I had better framing and larger printing options w/o huge costs. Still, I'm grateful!!

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

What's my problem? I am feeling like escaping this job and I don't have anywhere to run to. I have a PR degree yet seem reluctant to use the skills I possess. Is it the company that I work for or is it my coworkers/boss? I am not comfortable with sales and I consider volunteer recruitment sales. Even if something is wonderful and benefited me personally a great deal like Toastmasters did... I still didn't talk others into going. Even if it would (and it definitely would have been) a great asset to them... I still didn't mention it hardly even.

I know that my energy goes up and I get happy when I mention video cameras and all. I think that it's a sign I need to move towards that direction. I have a tendancy to think myself into a spin... like do I stay and try to work out my blocks, problems and try to push thru to get into my job more ... is there a lesson or skills I need to learn before moving on? Or am I best off listening to my feelings and reactions and work harder to leave?

I've never been one to job hop very easily. Look how long it took for me to finally leave CityLink when I was unhappy... Am I just afraid of the tasks that lay before me? Is that fear or fears clouding my mind? I do have an issue with anxiety overall so is that it? Would a magic pill help ease that so I can function at a higher level? I've been working ok overall lately at work and happier because of it. It helps to have a sense of being "at home" in my new place to contribute to a calmer feeling and a clearer head... plus I'm recovering from the move and wearing down.

Part of my just doesn't want to deal with the task. God, I appreciate the job and the paycheck but I'm still not feeling right about being here... please help me and give me clear guidance as to what is my best next step and help calm my fears/concerns so I may act on that guidance. Thank you! Amen.

Dive In -- Sink or Swim

It's been quite a challenge getting myself clearheaded and focused at work. I have a tendancy to think I am either doing something wrong overall and/or have something wrong with me because of this. I heard a great lyric this morning as I turned the radio on. I'm going to try it on (I already wrote it on a sticky note and put it up at work). "Dive In---Sink or Swim"

I think I've been so afraid of failing I haven't been able to be as effective in my work. How annoying! Well, this quote makes me feel a bit of energy that moves me towards action. Like taking on my role at work and really working up and working the plan for volunteer recruitment and training. I want this year to be more about this.... I want to dive into the things I am committed to already and dive into my desires and wishes for the year as well. That's the only way to really live!! I have such a strong practical side to me to temper my wishes enough that I won't drown... just sink a little maybe. I want to go forward stronger in my job, in my creative endeavors, in my videography and editing... with my writing. And even, gulp... with a relationship with a good man.

It's a challenge at times to stay afloat and remember to give things my all with a good attitude but it's a must in order to be more fulfilled and at peace with myself. We'll see what 2005 brings~!

Stop searching forever?

Today I grabbed a fortune cookie from my bag of cookies I bought last week at HEB... my fortune read "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you." Hmmm. I wonder what that means. I had just thought, I want a job that I am excited to come to each day! I wonder if the timing meant that they relate to one another?! I randomly picked another cookie later on and got the same quote!

It's a strange thought. I can understand phrasing like "Happiness is all around you, just look with open eyes" or "Happiness is found within." But "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you"... just next to me? Does that mean stop having tunnel vision (looking forward) and start looking right where I am? I have been dissatisfied at work a lot. It's probably due to my struggle to focus on a task long enough to see some real fruits of my labor. I get distracted so easily (ie-this blog right now--although I am basically done with work for the night now) by other things to do. I tend to feel scattered when I have a lot of projects going on at once yet I get bored if I have too little to do. Well, sometimes that is. Other times it helps me truly focus. I feel good here each time I actually get something finished or am able to add to the value of what we do. My lack of ability to focus when I KNOW I can do the job but just seem to not be very productive frustrates me and makes me feel incompetent.

Many people may see me as very competent... and I can be. Sometimes moreso than others perhaps... but I can't seem to access it---use it--as much as I'd like. I get anxious a lot. Maybe that is related too. This environment is better in so many ways that my previous job. Friendlier people overall... healthier in all aspects too. I have an office that is a mix of private yet open to everyone. I can see outside and even get sunlight in here!! I look forward to someday being much more active and helpful here. I like to make a difference. I pray that something is going to happen to help my ability to think straight so my time at work is more properly used. :-)

Going back to the quote... for now I'll let that mean, surrender to where you are and keep your eyes open. It's already all in place for me to find happiness at work. We'll see what that means as times passes. I'm still confused though... stop searching forever? forever... that's a pretty strange quote! Ah... and the word "just" is implying something too. I'm thinking it means something like it's just around the corner... it's coming VERY soon... it's sooooo close it's just next to me! ha.

The First Post is the Scariest

This is a weird thing... to post my thoughts electronically... I can feel almost a tingle in my arms/hands as I type. I am used to typing my thoughts w/o using much editing or worrying about grammar and now, this may someday be read by others. I will have to forget about that and just use this as a way to figure out some of the things "floating" around in my mind. Clear things up and release them. I'll get used to it.